I have short bursts of energy. In them, I decide that I'll do things, but I never keep them up. This is just kinda who I am. I'm frustrated that it happened with writing, but it was to be expected. I really am trying to force myself back into it, but it's not easy at all.
Last night I had a dream about my best friend from my Russian class through DLI and GAFB. I went to her Facebook page this morning and saw that she had just gotten promoted to Sergeant. I'm so proud of her, but I miss her. I miss the Army already and I'm not even out yet. I threw it away for nothing. My life could have been exciting and interesting - I could have had a perfect career, but now I'm just stuck again. I've become one of the people that I hated back home - never changing, stuck in the same place, doing the same things, day after day. Except that now, even most of them are getting married and moving forward with their lives.
I feel like if I can't defy the odds and make my writing work out, I'll be here for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can handle that. I made a very grim promise to myself regarding my status by my next birthday, but I can't actually see that status changing, so where does that put me?
Which 'life lesson' did I miss? Obviously it had something to do with how to survive and thrive in this world. Who was supposed to be teaching it to me? How did I miss it, or did I just ignore it? Where did I come from, and where am I going?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
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