I have short bursts of energy. In them, I decide that I'll do things, but I never keep them up. This is just kinda who I am. I'm frustrated that it happened with writing, but it was to be expected. I really am trying to force myself back into it, but it's not easy at all.
Last night I had a dream about my best friend from my Russian class through DLI and GAFB. I went to her Facebook page this morning and saw that she had just gotten promoted to Sergeant. I'm so proud of her, but I miss her. I miss the Army already and I'm not even out yet. I threw it away for nothing. My life could have been exciting and interesting - I could have had a perfect career, but now I'm just stuck again. I've become one of the people that I hated back home - never changing, stuck in the same place, doing the same things, day after day. Except that now, even most of them are getting married and moving forward with their lives.
I feel like if I can't defy the odds and make my writing work out, I'll be here for the rest of my life and I don't know if I can handle that. I made a very grim promise to myself regarding my status by my next birthday, but I can't actually see that status changing, so where does that put me?
Which 'life lesson' did I miss? Obviously it had something to do with how to survive and thrive in this world. Who was supposed to be teaching it to me? How did I miss it, or did I just ignore it? Where did I come from, and where am I going?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Motivated. Kinda.
Well the World of Warcraft: Cataclysm NDA has been lifted due to the start of the closed Beta, so screenshots and info are all over the place online. Now I'm just waiting for a Beta key... With whom must I sleep; to whom must a pray, that I may be graced with such a glorious gift? Seriously. It's exciting.
Talked with my neighbors for several hours today about The Nature of Humanity, as will be the title of my book when and if I ever have enough material that it'd be worth publishing. I was really surprised that they didn't shut me down at all when I was talking. Whenever you know you have something controversial to say, you brace yourself for how it'll be received. I've always thought they were so deep in their Baptist dogma, but it was actually a very good discussion. What was even more surprising was the extent that they agreed with me. I'll probably want to remember them as my book goes through different stages of completion, although I'd also like to find someone that more strongly disagrees with me.
As a side note (because I'm not really sure what else to say but I feel like there should be *something*), I've randomly just started listening to Sacha Sacket a lot. His music is really moving. I'm not exactly sure what it is about it, but lately I just can't get him out of my mind... Pretty sure he's going to be my favorite for July. Maybe that's something I could talk about in this blog... my monthly favorite bands... mahaps, mahaps...
Talked with my neighbors for several hours today about The Nature of Humanity, as will be the title of my book when and if I ever have enough material that it'd be worth publishing. I was really surprised that they didn't shut me down at all when I was talking. Whenever you know you have something controversial to say, you brace yourself for how it'll be received. I've always thought they were so deep in their Baptist dogma, but it was actually a very good discussion. What was even more surprising was the extent that they agreed with me. I'll probably want to remember them as my book goes through different stages of completion, although I'd also like to find someone that more strongly disagrees with me.
As a side note (because I'm not really sure what else to say but I feel like there should be *something*), I've randomly just started listening to Sacha Sacket a lot. His music is really moving. I'm not exactly sure what it is about it, but lately I just can't get him out of my mind... Pretty sure he's going to be my favorite for July. Maybe that's something I could talk about in this blog... my monthly favorite bands... mahaps, mahaps...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A year later...
I've decided that I need to have a blog. The number of readers is unimportant, but writing is so vital to my life and I need to continue with it. I don't really know what I intend to discuss in this blog, but I assume it will end up being like my little black Moleskine journal – a collection of my thoughts and feelings on a given day. I'd planned to do this during my deployment last year, but when that fell apart, I felt no real reason to bother. I'm coming back to that blog to write about my future now and I'm going to try to commit to writing in this blog every day for a month. Maybe more after that. Hopefully more after that.
For the past two weeks or so, I've been making an effort to actively write. I'm maintaining three projects and one is nearing completion. I don't really think that the content is terribly important though. Like I always tell my brother, “It doesn't matter what you write, just that you write. The words can be rearranged later, but if there's nothing there in the first place, you will forever be waiting for the words to come to you.” So yea. I'm starting this fourth project now. My other three are a science fiction epic (set in a universe that I began years and years ago and which has been evolving ever since), either a summery or an entire book about my faith, humanity, God, and everything, and finally a design concept for a new class in World of Warcraft. I don't know if anything will ever come from any of these projects, and honestly I really do doubt that there's any real future for them. This, however, is irrelevant. I'm happy to finally be doing something that feels more 'tangible' than everything that I've done for the past year.
Early in June last year I was assigned to the 321st MI Battalion for their deployment to Afghanistan. While I went to them with trepidation, after the first month of pre-deployment training, I was excited for my deployment and for my future when I returned. Unfortunately, the second month of training turned out quite badly for me and became my last. For various reasons they removed me from the deployment roster and sent me back home to my unit back here.
I've been home since August of '09 and have been fighting against the Army's general consensus that I need to be discharged for almost the same amount of time. Looking down at the calendar is so surreal to me – to see that I've been fighting to stay in for nearly an entire year. Ten days ago was my three year mark in the military and I keep playing over the past three years in my head over and over again. I feel like I've lost so much but gained nothing. Memory of this loss is filled with pain so paralyzing that some days I can barely move. Objectively I know that I am nothing. This pain is nothing compared to the pain that others have gone through and continue to go through, but it doesn't change the reality of it.
I'll admit it. My discharge has a lot (if not everything) to do with me. Things I said, things I did. I could have stayed in and I would have been fine. I know this now and I knew this then. I chose to allow everything I was keeping contained inside me to come out. Despite there having been some serious issues I was dealing with, I will forever look back on this with tremendous guilt because I know that the day I started this, I did so with the intention of getting out of the military and the knowledge that I absolutely could make it happen. I've since tried to fix what I've done, but I've gotten in the way of myself and sabotaged my efforts. I've made some gambles and I've lost every one of them. Now I have to live with the results.
For the past two weeks or so, I've been making an effort to actively write. I'm maintaining three projects and one is nearing completion. I don't really think that the content is terribly important though. Like I always tell my brother, “It doesn't matter what you write, just that you write. The words can be rearranged later, but if there's nothing there in the first place, you will forever be waiting for the words to come to you.” So yea. I'm starting this fourth project now. My other three are a science fiction epic (set in a universe that I began years and years ago and which has been evolving ever since), either a summery or an entire book about my faith, humanity, God, and everything, and finally a design concept for a new class in World of Warcraft. I don't know if anything will ever come from any of these projects, and honestly I really do doubt that there's any real future for them. This, however, is irrelevant. I'm happy to finally be doing something that feels more 'tangible' than everything that I've done for the past year.
Early in June last year I was assigned to the 321st MI Battalion for their deployment to Afghanistan. While I went to them with trepidation, after the first month of pre-deployment training, I was excited for my deployment and for my future when I returned. Unfortunately, the second month of training turned out quite badly for me and became my last. For various reasons they removed me from the deployment roster and sent me back home to my unit back here.
I've been home since August of '09 and have been fighting against the Army's general consensus that I need to be discharged for almost the same amount of time. Looking down at the calendar is so surreal to me – to see that I've been fighting to stay in for nearly an entire year. Ten days ago was my three year mark in the military and I keep playing over the past three years in my head over and over again. I feel like I've lost so much but gained nothing. Memory of this loss is filled with pain so paralyzing that some days I can barely move. Objectively I know that I am nothing. This pain is nothing compared to the pain that others have gone through and continue to go through, but it doesn't change the reality of it.
I'll admit it. My discharge has a lot (if not everything) to do with me. Things I said, things I did. I could have stayed in and I would have been fine. I know this now and I knew this then. I chose to allow everything I was keeping contained inside me to come out. Despite there having been some serious issues I was dealing with, I will forever look back on this with tremendous guilt because I know that the day I started this, I did so with the intention of getting out of the military and the knowledge that I absolutely could make it happen. I've since tried to fix what I've done, but I've gotten in the way of myself and sabotaged my efforts. I've made some gambles and I've lost every one of them. Now I have to live with the results.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Texas...and not wanting to go there.
So yea.
On Friday I leave to do random training for a week in Texas. Not too thrilled about that, but whatever. The thing that bugs me about that mess is that the powers that be down there are being hyper-obsessive about keeping accountability of everyone that's going down there. They send e-mails at 2330 and expect us to respond to them by 1500 the next day and God help you if you weren't checking your e-mail twice an hour. Is it just me or was this mess supposed to stop after I got out of TRADOC? Of all the other things they could be worrying about, they're going to check up on us every step of our getting down there? Why don't they just save themselves the trouble and buy everyone tickets and hotel rooms, etc.?
So yea...
Texas...
Definitely didn't want to go back there but I'll live... Got three days where I'll be staying in a hotel...that'll be better, I think. But then we stay in HUTMETS, whatever those are...they said that it was some kind of temporary living quarters. I'm picturing it being FTX week again -.-
At GAFB they said the final FTX there was gonna be the easiest one we ever did...so yea...gogo week of hell! lol...I'll post something about it when I have an opportunity.
On Friday I leave to do random training for a week in Texas. Not too thrilled about that, but whatever. The thing that bugs me about that mess is that the powers that be down there are being hyper-obsessive about keeping accountability of everyone that's going down there. They send e-mails at 2330 and expect us to respond to them by 1500 the next day and God help you if you weren't checking your e-mail twice an hour. Is it just me or was this mess supposed to stop after I got out of TRADOC? Of all the other things they could be worrying about, they're going to check up on us every step of our getting down there? Why don't they just save themselves the trouble and buy everyone tickets and hotel rooms, etc.?
So yea...
Texas...
Definitely didn't want to go back there but I'll live... Got three days where I'll be staying in a hotel...that'll be better, I think. But then we stay in HUTMETS, whatever those are...they said that it was some kind of temporary living quarters. I'm picturing it being FTX week again -.-
At GAFB they said the final FTX there was gonna be the easiest one we ever did...so yea...gogo week of hell! lol...I'll post something about it when I have an opportunity.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Final Word...
So after about a month of waiting to figure out what was going on with me, I received confirmation this afternoon. I have officially been moved from the 323rd MI BN to the 321st MI BN and will be mobilizing sometime in the August-September timeframe to assist the 82nd Airborne in Afghanistan.
As far as jobs and such things go, I don't really have to worry about looking for one anymore, which is nice in a way, but will just contribute to my growing laziness. Maybe I should start running or something........ easier said than done.
This will be my first deployment in my Army career and I've got all kinds of mess running through my head over what to think about it. I'm not really 'worried' about anything. I've always said that I am immortal until God's purpose for my life has been fufilled. However, I've grown very fond of being back at home - being able to do the things I wanted with the people I wanted to be with. I think it'll be a bit jarring for me when I have to leave this behind for a year. I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to go with Crossroads on their trip to Russia but I will keep all of you in my prayers on that missions trip. I said at the very beginning that if God wanted me in Russia, nothing could keep me away from it. Apparently He has other plans for me in August.
Maybe I lied a bit when I said I wasn't worried...see, I've made a lot of progress spiritually since coming back to Maryland. I don't want to fall back into what and who I was through DLI and GAFB. I don't really think details are necessary here, but I've grown a lot over the past two years. Afghanistan, I suppose, will just be another opportunity for me to grow as a person and as a Christian.
The next five months are going to be interesting for me. I'll be at home for most of it. I know that I'm gonna be drilling in Texas in April and May, but there are some longer training things scheduled for the other months before I leave, so I don't really know where I'm gonna be yet. I guess we'll see what the Lord has in store for me. So I'm going to Afghanistan. Hooah. ?
As far as jobs and such things go, I don't really have to worry about looking for one anymore, which is nice in a way, but will just contribute to my growing laziness. Maybe I should start running or something........ easier said than done.
This will be my first deployment in my Army career and I've got all kinds of mess running through my head over what to think about it. I'm not really 'worried' about anything. I've always said that I am immortal until God's purpose for my life has been fufilled. However, I've grown very fond of being back at home - being able to do the things I wanted with the people I wanted to be with. I think it'll be a bit jarring for me when I have to leave this behind for a year. I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to go with Crossroads on their trip to Russia but I will keep all of you in my prayers on that missions trip. I said at the very beginning that if God wanted me in Russia, nothing could keep me away from it. Apparently He has other plans for me in August.
Maybe I lied a bit when I said I wasn't worried...see, I've made a lot of progress spiritually since coming back to Maryland. I don't want to fall back into what and who I was through DLI and GAFB. I don't really think details are necessary here, but I've grown a lot over the past two years. Afghanistan, I suppose, will just be another opportunity for me to grow as a person and as a Christian.
The next five months are going to be interesting for me. I'll be at home for most of it. I know that I'm gonna be drilling in Texas in April and May, but there are some longer training things scheduled for the other months before I leave, so I don't really know where I'm gonna be yet. I guess we'll see what the Lord has in store for me. So I'm going to Afghanistan. Hooah. ?
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